Crazy mad

You know at times I have to sit back and laugh at myself “I wont let anything get under my skin again”, what a joke that statement is.
We all have emotions; however diverse or extreme they may be, it’s the way we handle them that shows what kind of champion we are. I’m speaking of my brother and his girlfriend and how I dealt with a situation which I felt didn’t warrant the response I received.
The worst of it was that I didn’t handle the situation properly on my end; I should have stood my ground and explained myself, even if it meant screaming or throwing out four letter words to get my point across. Instead I chose to just walk away and let it fester inside of me. Agreeing that I was rude one and accepting that I was out of line (however, in reality I was neither). Anyone that knows me and my temper would surely know that isn’t a good plan of operation to attempt, more so to get in my way afterwards.
The terrible part of it, that’s over something very minor, so trivial that it was stupid. --Wanting to spend some time with my two brothers, for one night, something we have done since childhood.
Its like making a promise to the people you graduate with “Sure, we will keep in contact just like we do in school” only to have time and distance pull you apart. Granted we are (supposedly) all adults now and have our own lives to lead and others to think of. Taking time off to spend a day with family should not have bankrupt any economy, turn anything into a world war, or made the earth go off its axis, apparently I’ve been mislead and it will.
So this whole weekend, after making a promise to myself not to let problems carry on and bother me, I let it. I cut myself off from Jackson, on top of that everyone else to dwell in my self pity.
Friday I was angry, not so much at them but myself for letting it get to me. Snapping at people or not talking at all. I have to tell you digging holes is good therapy and would suggest it to anyone. I didn’t go out that night; sitting looking at what I think was the TV. Saturday came the hurt of knowing someone I cared about didn’t seem to care or was eager to drop me like a worn out shirt for some one else with no after thought. So I spent that day in the office looking at my desk and the four walls not accomplishing anything. Bee attempted to talk to me but it was of no use. Sunday was a day of numbness; I sat on the deck all day drinking tea, planning my work week and talking to Luke and becoming angry once again.
This morning I woke to the realization that things have permanently changed and life does and will go on. I can’t be my brothers’ keeper all his life, he has to make his own choices and learn from his actions. God be with you. We all have our “significant others” in our lives now. I also know in my heart I can’t cut out anyone how ever hard assed I try to appear. Eventually it will be straightened out but do not plan on making any arrangements in the near future that would constitute pulling someone away from another individual. It’s a fact of life and I see where I stand with them. Do I seem bitter? Yes, and I will be for a while but life will carry on.
Today, I plan on going back into my daily routine of work; the office is semi quiet with everyone off for the holiday --- spending it with family. I’m going to man the phones and then do a few trips around to see the job sites then return home.
Speaking of home, I really need to get in gear on building mine; I need some priorities that concern me and only me, instead of trying to do for others. The lot needs cutting and grading down for the house, I plan on having a smooth eye appealing lot. Can’t have a shitty yard and me being a “lawn boy” now can I?